Forever
by evilestguyever
Summary: Of past, present, future. Of choices made, of paths taken, of regret. And forever. What is forever? What did you mean when you talked about forever? What did you see when you thought of forever? The world? You? Me? A legacy? Your art, passed down in history? My music, down the ages? Did you ever think about forever, and just think about us?


A/N: It's been ages since I've written anything, so I'm sorry if I seem to have forgotten all fanfiction etiquette, if such a thing exists. This is an idea I've been playing around with for awhile and something I thought about expanding. But for now, this is all that has forced itself to be written.

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Disclaimer: Square Enix owns all the characters, locations, etc.

I didn't – still don't understand. My head's a mess, my heart's a mess, I'ma mess. Maybe I've always been. Yes, I have always been a mess, a complete idiot. Useless. Helpless. I can't form a coherent thought, let alone deal with the train wreck that is my life. Why? I don't get it. What did I do wrong? How did I not notice? When did the world turn against me?

"Roxas, I- I'm sorry to bother you, but there's something for you. It's a letter. I – well, you should read it." Axel holds a letter out to me, but I make no move to take it.

I'm afraid. Terrified, still nothing but a coward. So broken down that I didn't think I would be able to feel, yet fear still haunts me. Maybe being a coward isn't about feeling, maybe it's something ingrained into me. Maybe I've been a coward so long that it's my natural state. Axel is still standing there, holding out the letter to me. Me, I'm still curled up, pretending he's not there. We stay like this for a – a what? Seconds, minutes, hours, time seems meaningless. I almost laugh to myself. Einstein makes sense now! Time is relative, I get it. I want to cry. But guys don't cry, we can't. It's weak, I can't be weak. I'm weak. I'm a screwed up mess. At a time like this I'm having an epiphany about physics. I hate physics. I hate it. I hate my teacher. I hate my school. I hate it all. All these pressures and expectations and false realities. These lies and all this stupid shit. All of this stupid shit. The world is broken. Is this what the future will be like? Just more dreams and fantasies, shattered by the harsh and terrible hand of reality, slowly squeezing the hope and life out of me? Wringing me dry, hollow, not dead but not really alive? Is this the forever I have to look forward to? Why, why all that talk about forever, only to leave me hanging like this?

I sit up. Axel isn't here anymore. When did he leave? Did he take the letter with him? No, no he didn't. He left it, the accursed thing. I reach over to pick it up, but then the agonizing, twisting feeling in me rises up and smacks my hand away. It whispers in my head, a reminder: _You're afraid. _It's absolutely right, what do I have to gain from reading the letter? Will I understand, will it tell me everything I want to know, tell me everything I want to hear? Maybe. Or maybe it will do nothing of the sort. Maybe I'll read the letter, and nothing will make sense to me. Maybe I'll have even more questions than I started with. Maybe it's about everything I don't want to hear. Maybe it'll cut the last thread of my sanity. Maybe. She always said that I was indecisive, always with the maybes and could bes and what ifs, but never with a direction, a decision. Maybe it's time to give that up, to pick a direction and just go with it. She did say that forever was an awfully long time, long enough to pick new directions, new paths, to change your mind. No, forget forever, she is wrong, she didn't get it. Didn't get how scary a thing forever could be. If I pick a path, make a commitment, I'll be moving forward, and even if I pick a new path, forever only goes one way. I'll always be moving forward. How I wish forever went in all directions. How I wish forever went backwards.

The stars are out now. Reminders of forever. Compared to something that has been there for billions of years, and might be there for billions more, what is a life? What is forever for us? Is that the forever you were talking about? Do I want to spend forever not knowing? To look back to this moment and the letter and wonder what you wrote? I hesitate once more, but this time, I pick up the letter, carefully unfolding it. I close my eyes, embracing the silent darkness that is my world at the moment, and take a deep breath. Then I let go of my clutch, of the fear. No, I don't let go, it's still there, just pushed aside, my need to know overwhelming it.

_Dear Roxas, _

_ I wasn't going to start this letter with "Dear Roxas" or anything along those lines. It's boring, unoriginal, silly. A social convention. Why must we write "Dear" in the beginning of a letter? Is everyone we write a letter to "dear" to us? But leaving it blank felt wrong, and just putting your name felt wrong too. "To" is too informal, too indifferent. So I ended up writing "Dear" anyway. Sorry, I'm rambling. The point is, I want you to know that I didn't write "Dear Roxas" because of a convention, but because I mean it. You mean a lot to me. My best friend. That's why I ask you to tell the others for me. Everything I couldn't say to them before. Please._

_ Tell Kairi that I love her, that if I hadn't met you, she would have easily taken the spot as my best friend. Can't have two best friends after all. Tell her that I'm eternally grateful for her friendship. That I would have never made it as far as I did without her support. Tell her that I'm sorry for having been so dependent on her. For needing her as much as I did. For slowing her down, dragging her down with me. Tell her thank you for putting up with me. Even though I'm such a pain, never telling her anything, she always made time for me. Tell her thank you for all those late night ice cream and movie sessions. For all those days she dragged me out shopping. For not asking too many questions, for understanding._

_ Tell Sora that he's a big goof ball and an idiot. Tell him thank you for always cheering me up. Tell him to never change, to remain silly, happy-go-lucky, to view the world as not just a glass half full, but brimming over the top. Tell him to man up and ask Kairi out. I know he likes her and the poor girl has been head over heels for him for as long as I knew her. And I'm pretty sure he knows too. He needs a kick in the pants, and I'm sure you can give it to him. I never could. I was too afraid of being wrong, of messing them up, of sticking my nose into things I shouldn't be. Anyway, do it for me Roxas. You know you want to (insert cute smiley emoticon here). _

_ Now I'm sure you're starting to get worried about how long the list of messages you'll have to convey for me is, so let me relieve you by saying that this is the last one. You didn't honestly think that I would be leaving messages for everyone in my life, did you? That would take forever, you goof. This last message is for you (if you even THOUGHT that I wouldn't write anything for you, I'll haunt you for eternity). _

_ Roxas, you are my best friend, the one who I could tell almost everything to. While Kairi and Sora would cheer me up, you would listen. You understood, you carried my burdens for me, you pushed me along. Thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for prying, for putting your foot in the way when I tried slamming the door. Roxas, I really like you. More than just friends, but I don't know if I would call it love. That word is a cliché, a tired thing that has lost its meaning. Preconceived notions of it, others' opinions on it, they all cloud the meaning of the word. But I would like to think that if someone asked me if I have ever fallen in love, and with whom, I could honestly tell them that "Yes, I have indeed fallen in love". Just bear with me a little longer, let me maintain my delusions a little longer. I would tell them that I have indeed fallen in love, and it is a wonderful feeling, even if it is one that never saw the light of day. Roxas, I love you, and I would like to think that you love me too. I'm sorry I couldn't stay to see forever with you._

_ Love,_

_ Namine_

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So... yeah, it's really an unfinished idea, but the original plan was that it would be a diary, with something similar to that letter as the last entry. Just felt like getting it out there while I still felt like posting.


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